Can there be love after an affair?
Finding out that your partner had an affair is shattering. The effects can last for years. Couples will often try to just bury it under the sand, pretend it never happened, because the hurt is so overwhelming. Affairs are relationship killers. Simple as that.
So then what? Is the marriage over? Is there absolutely no way to heal the pain and to trust again? Do couples actually stay together after finding out about the cheating?
I am not sure what the national stats are, but yes… most couples that I have worked with do stay in their relationships despite there being an affair.
The real question is: can there be love after an affair?
The answer is: yes!
But let’s not minimize the effects. It is darn hard to trust again. The loop of events plays over and over in the mind. “How could he have done this to me?!” Or, “How could she have done this, knowing it will destroy her family?!”
The process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes time. Time and work. When I work with couples going through the effects of an affair, there are 5 main areas we work on. Here they are:
asking the question “What have you learned from this about yourself” to both partners. This is really important for self-discovery.
atonement - taking responsibility and having complete remorse.
attunement - repairing the hurt, creating boundaries, demonstrating worthiness and trust
attachment - rebuilding the relationship, strengthening the marriage, emotional connection
relationship 2.0 - open talk about the relationship, needs & wants, creating a new marriage with the same partner
Though there are no guarantees in therapy, I have seen the above plan work amazingly in getting couples through the devastation of affairs. One weak link in this process, however, disrupts the repair and will likely not allow for a real connection and love.