#1 Rule When Fighting With Your Partner
Fighting is inevitable. Couples therapy isn’t designed to stop fighting. Fighting is normal. It’s part of life. In fact, fighting is healthy. It’s how we fight that makes all the difference.
After a few sessions couples will often come in to therapy ready to give their report: how many fights they had the past week. I try to clarify for them that this isn’t necessary. I really don’t care if they fought and how often they fought. Actually, let me back up a bit. I do care if they fought, because if they didn’t, I would be concerned.
What I really want to know is HOW did they fight. Did they follow the number 1 rule about fighting? If they did, then it’s a success! If they didn’t, that’s okay. It’s something to work towards.
So… what is the #1 rule when it comes to fighting with your husband or wife? Are you ready for it? Here it is, in plain language…
Shut up about the past! Do not give a history lesson! Do not make it into a teaching moment!
Sounds like 3 rules. Let me explain…
The husband is late coming home from work, again. This just totally freaks out the wife. They have had this fight many, many times. When he does finally come home (maybe with a few drinks under his belt) she lets him have it! Shouting,”You do this all the freakin’ time! You are never home when you say you are going to! You just come home whenever you want! How many times is this going to happen?! Answer me! How many times?! You know, maybe I should do this to you so you can see how it feels! How about that?! Are you even listening? Ah, forget it! Selfish jerk!”.
C’mon, I bet you can totally picture this conversation, can’t you? Let’s break it down…
Rule #1 - Shut up about the past, do not give a history lesson and don’t make into a teaching moment
Your issue needs to be about what happened THAT night. Not what he did or didn’t do last week, or last month, even if this is the 30th time he did this. He must only be about what just happened. Don’t make it about the past. Also, don’t try to get him to remember the history. Guaranteed your recollection and his will be different. You have enough to fight about. Don’t try to fight the past fight. And saying to him that maybe you should give him a taste of what he is doing to you, trying to teach him a lesson, does nothing. It really doesn’t. Of all the times you said that, has he ever said to you “oh, my love, you are right. Thank you for that perspective. I am sorry”. Nope. I bet he hasn’t.
Nobody cares about what he did last week, last month or the 29 times before this. Nobody cares… except you. So drop it. Nobody cares about being taught a lesson. Nobody cares… except you. So drop that too. When you ambush him with the history of his evil ways and how much he has hurt you over the last 5 years you lose your message. Your pure message. The message of feeling hurt, frustrated, abandoned right now because of what he did today. Remember, the more you bring up, the more substance you are giving that can be argued against.
“I am feeling really frustrated right now because I thought we had an agreement that you will be home on time”.
Wow, read that line again. It’s simple, it’s pure, it’s recent. It’s about now. The message: your feelings. Your frustrations. That is the message. By keeping it simple, present and 1 or 2 sentences, you keep your message alive. You keep it at the forefront.
So, #1 rule: stay present, simple and short. By doing this, you will avoid the history lessons, talking about the past events, and the teaching moments. There will be other times for those. Not in a fight.
