The Role of Forgiveness After An Affair

Affairs are brutal in a marriage. Time and time again couples come into my office feeling absolutely devastated, having recently learned that their love partner, the one they confide into, has cheated.

“How do I ever forgive him?!”. The emotion behind that question is impactful. I just know she is looking for something… something to hold on to… something to give her hope. But she is also struggling internally, never had imagined she would be in this seat, crying about her husband’s affair.

In Relational Life Therapy, as Terry Real, creator of RLT recently put it, there is no place in RLT for forgiveness. He goes on to say that we don’t talk about forgiveness in therapy sessions.

We don’t talk about forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a Christian term, he goes on to say. Forgiveness means resolved. That is what we have learned about forgiveness. When we forgive somebody it means it is resolved. It is undone. It is forgotten. In Christianity it is said that when we ask our God for forgiveness, he grants it to us, and our sin is forgotten, like it never happened.

In our counselling sessions we look at it a bit different. Now, I am not saying forgiveness has no part in rebuilding the marriage after an affair, but it is not something we seek after, nor is it something that is absolutely required.

Instead of forgiveness we need to decide to lay it to rest and get on with life. Let me say that again. You — you need to decide to lay it to rest and get on with your life. Your life with him, or without him.

Frequently we switch it around. “I will see if I can forgive him and then decide to stay or go”. That just simply does not work. Forgiveness can take years, if ever. I recently came across a couple who has been married for 60 years! Back at the beginning of their marriage he had an affair. I asked her if she has forgiven him. Her candid response, “Hello no! I will never forgive him! But, I have moved on past that”.

The second question, which certainly overlaps the first one about whether you can forgive, is the question “how do I know he will never cheat on me again?”. Really important question because the answer to that will dictate, to some degree, your decision to stay or go.

The answer is simple. 2 parts to it. First, you don’t know. You will never know. There is no way of knowing. Second, is to trust what you feel your husband has learned from the experience. Again, let me repeat that. Trust yourself in what you feel your husband has learned. Has he learned his lesson? Has he discovered something about himself? Has there been an immediate and impactful change in him since the discovery you had about the affair? Don’t ask him. You have to go by how YOU feel he has learned what he needs to learn. In some ways, this question is more important than the first one. Or in other words, it’s easier to answer the question “do I lay it to rest and get on with my life with him” or “do I lay it to rest and get on with my life without him” if you know the answer to the second question “do I trust my feelings that he has learned from this”.

Forgiveness is personal. It’s a process. And, like that older couple, it may never happen. But you do have to decide to lay it to rest and move on with or without your partner. And then rebuild marriage 2.0.